Stop the Bully!

Stop the Bully!

Bullying is common within our society. It occurs at school, at home and in the work place. It is the nasty part of human nature. Bullying is about power. In particular it is about the abuse of power.  Someone in a position of power seeks to control or influence another person.

Why do people bully?
Bullies are unhappy people. They try to influence others and cause others either emotional or physical pain. Why? – because they want others to suffer as much as they are and they want to have the illusion of feeling powerful.  We should feel sorry for bullies, as they are sad and unhappy people with limited capacity to understand human emotion.

What do we do?
We must stand up to the bully and stand firm. No one has power over another individual, unless that individual gives away their power.
It is hard to stand up for yourself and stand firm. You have to be confident and assertive and state your position. Some tips:

• Think about the issues yourself – writing down your thoughts and feelings can help. You are not going crazy, but you must remain in control of your own emotions.
• Try to stay positive – bullies can get you down, but try not to let them get to you.
• Try to ignore the people who harass you – walk away; refuse to engage in conversation with them.  You don’t have to respond to their rude statements or harassment.
• Be confident and assertive – use “I” statements.  “I don’t like the way you spoke to me”, or “I think your comments are inappropriate”.
• Stick up for your friends – you are stronger in a group. So always look out for your friends.
• Find someone to talk to – talk about your issue with a trusted friend or counsellor.

We must learn to deal with bullies – bullies are everywhere! We can’t avoid them, but be ready to learn from each situation. Each time you are bullied, you can learn a way to cope with it or deal with it better.

Feel sorry for the bullies – but whatever you do, don’t turn into a bully yourself!

While you may think that the bully is able to rise to high positions, in the end they are alone and very unhappy people.

Practice kindness and compassion, treat others with respect, and be kind.

Stop the bully, by being assertive, calm and respectful. Don’t let these unhappy people make your life as miserable as theirs!

Girls love to talk!

A recent Stony Brook University study has found that too much talk about their problems may lead middle school-aged girls into more depressive symptoms (Scientific America Mind, July/August 2009).

Girls tend to co-ruminate about their problems – they spend their time dwelling on problems. This often leads them to feel sad and hopeless about situations and these problems remain the centre of their attention. While talking and sharing with others may promote healthy relationships with peers, it can also lead to more depressive symptoms.

Girls tend to analyse and discuss their problems.  This often leads to a negative thought cycle. Often their peers are uncertain of what advice to give to their friends and they simply talk about an issue, rather than find constructive solutions.

Skilled psychologist and counsellors play an important part, especially with teenage girls as they can help these young people develop coping strategies, look at different options and perspectives, and help re-frame dysfunctional thing patterns and styles.  It is important for young people to talk about their problems, but talking with a skilled professional is essential.

School Psychology Services provides expert counselling to help young people manage their problems and develop positive coping skills to manage everyday life. Navigating through the teenage years is difficult, however with support and counselling you can have wind in your sails to make the journey a little easier!

I was asked to talk to a group of year three and four students the other day about ways to resolve conflict. I asked some of the students to suggest ways that they resolve conflict in their daily lives.

After some discussion, I presented the group with 10 tips and we discussed each tip in detail.
Ten ways to resolve conflict
1.    Seek to understand the problem.
2.    Listen to each other – take turns to speak.
3.    Listen to the other person’s point of view.
4.    Calm down first – manage your emotions.
5.    Clearly and calmly state your opinion.
6.    Be honest about your feelings.
7.    Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
8.    Compromise on some things.
9.    Seek a win – win solution.
10.  Ask some to help you (e.g. a Teacher or Counsellor).
As our discussion came to the end, one of the students said in a matter of fact way, “Yes, we need to be honest and talk about it!” This is exactly what the 14th Dalai Lama (b.1935), Tenzin Gyatso said:

“Dialogue is the most effective way of resolving conflict.”